I havenβt posted in a while. Iβve found it really difficult to. With everything going on, Iβve found myself in a state of confusion, loss, and feeling afraid. ( to which Iβm sure some would reply, thatβs how some POC feel most of the time if not all). Not only do I feel uncomfortable posting about myself or anything relating to my life, I wanted to make sure I took the time to reflect on the recent current events and make sure I was educated and had something meaningful, helpful and educational to post.
Breaking into the entertainment industry as we all know is difficult. As an AD and an actress, Jeff and I finally felt like we were making some headway. Work was consistent, we were saving up and the βdreamβ felt closer than ever. That halted with covid. Today, Jeff, myself and many other actors out there are still out of work. The entertainment industry will never be the same, as new guidelines come into place….itβs just… different. I feel like most people had to take a huge step back, even when they felt so close. Some may never recover. I feel like Iβm there right now.
Instagram is a way for me to promote myself, my career and my journey. Due to the worlds recent events, Iβve been afraid to post anything about myself, my career or journey. I donβt want people to think I donβt care about black lives. Or that Iβm completely tone deaf…. but, if Iβm silent, thatβs worse. I feel backed into a corner and lost. Ive been feeling like no matter what I do itβs not enough, or if I do have the courage to say something, itβs wrong.
I want to say, βwhatever, I shouldnβt care what people think and just postβ
But Iβm the kind of person that if I offend someone, I feel awful. I am stuck. Iβm lost. Iβm struggling financially. Iβm supposed to be getting married this year. Do I postpone? Do I continue? So many sad feelings and feeling lost and low. So I sat with my discomfort and didnβt βpost to postβ. I want to post my feelings, in hope that I maybe relate to others who may be experiencing the similar feelings.
I canβt make everyone happy. I canβt please everyone. I canβt make people like me. I can only be real, and kind and open minded. People will always be offended. I cant take it personally.
Everyone has gone through hardships this year, some unfortunately worse than others. People should be able to freely express their sadness about an event in their lives, no matter how big or small- and they shouldnβt be ridiculed for it if itβs not about something bigger. Itβs a sensitive time weβre in, and everyone should be kind and sensitive to others. Continue to promote the cause, but be kind and gentle to those who may be one step behind in regards to βunderstandingβ and βeducationβ on BLM. It is true, all lives canβt matter until Black lives matter. So is it wrong if I post something about my life? Something Iβm proud of? Is it okay to do that? Am I considered tone deaf? I want to do whatβs right but not lose site of my own goals and dreams.
Iβve signed petitions, Iβve researched black owned businesses to purchase from ( many are sold out on line which is fantastic – like Crown And Candle Co and Form Beauty, which I love for my curly hair!!), Iβve read articles and watched countless videos. I wanted to write something that was true to me, and also felt supportive. I felt like Iβve always been βsupportiveβ unknowingly. Iβve never judged someone because the color of their skin, itβs so mind blowing to me that there are still people out there that do. Itβs honestly insane. I had already even hired some poc vendors for my wedding before everything went down; not because I felt like I had to, but because we researched countless photographers and Djβs and we fell in love with their work; it was the best. Please check out MayaPapaya for her AMAZING photos. Oh MY god theyβre so good and I cant wait to see her magic for our wedding. We loved all our vendors, work and we canβt wait to share it.
It feels like tipping someone and making sure they see you put it in the jar, rather than just doing it because itβs right. It changes the meaning behind the tip
What I didnβt understand was the real meaning of βwhite privilegeβ. Whether I want it or not; I have it. I recognize that itβs a thing and I feel bad saying that, because itβs not something I want. But I notice. Iβm aware. Iβm doing my best to support BLM and really do my part to help change the world, while still working on myself and life.
I want to continue to focus on my career without being judged or Iβm not doing enough or Iβm being selfish (because Iβm also trying to make my own life something great) while also pouring out positivity and touching base on current events. I will continue to support as I have always been, and if anyone has other must-see businesses, articles/ books I should be aware of, send them my way, please!
Outfit from:
Plant and Pot: Homedepot
Gold Decor: CB2
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